You're Handling Conflict All Wrong—Here's What Works (Dr. Julia Minson)

In this episode of *Getting Better with Jonathan Van Ness*, host Jonathan dives into the art of disagreement with Harvard decision scientist and psychologist Dr. Julia Minson, author of *How to Disagree Better*. The conversation unpacks why conflict often feels so painful and destructive, revealing that the root of most disagreements isn’t malice or ego—but the mistaken belief that the goal of a disagreement is to win or convert the other person. Dr. Minson challenges the myth of the perfect, cinematic argument, showing how real conversations are messy, interrupted, and rarely result in a clean victory. Instead, she introduces the framework of 'conversational receptiveness'—a practical toolkit using the acronym H.E.A.R. (Hedging, Emphasizing agreement, Acknowledging, Reframing positively)—to foster understanding without needing to convince. The episode also explores how identity, proximity, and social media amplify conflict, and how self-care and emotional regulation are essential prerequisites for healthy disagreement. Jonathan shares personal stories of navigating relationship conflicts and cultural identity, underscoring that loving someone doesn’t require agreement, and that the goal should be connection, not conversion.