#311: Am I a Governer or an Adviser
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In this episode of The Simplicity Parenting Podcast, Kim John Payne explores the evolving roles parents play in guiding their children through different developmental stages—starting as a 'governor' in early childhood, transitioning to a 'gardener' around ages 9–11, and eventually becoming a 'guide' during adolescence. She emphasizes the critical distinction between being a governor (who sets boundaries and makes decisions) versus an advisor (who offers suggestions without authority), warning that confusing the two can lead to children feeling unsafe and parents losing their leadership role. Payne highlights how well-intentioned phrases like 'What would you like for breakfast?' or 'Should we put on rain boots?' inadvertently shift power to the child, undermining structure and security. She encourages parents to reflect on their language and behavior, offering practical tips to reclaim their authoritative role and maintain clear, consistent boundaries that foster safety and trust.
Parents should act as governors for young children, making clear decisions about values, rhythms, and boundaries.
The 'gardener' phase (ages 9–11) involves listening, coaching, and guiding, but the parent still holds final authority.
Avoid framing choices as open-ended questions—'What would you like for breakfast?'—which can unintentionally make children feel like decision-makers.
Using advisory language (e.g., 'Should we...?') or butler-like phrases erodes parental authority and undermines child safety.
Regular self-reflection—'am I a governor or an advisor?'—helps parents realign with their leadership role.
Welcome and Introduction to the Soul of Discipline
Kim John Payne welcomes listeners and sets the stage for the episode by introducing the core theme: understanding the evolving parental role in child development.
The Three Parenting Roles: Governor, Gardener, Guide
“We go through with a governor of the family state when children are little... Then as kids get to about nine, ten, eleven, around that age, there's the gardener phase... Then around 14, 15, the final metaphor is that of the guide.”
Governor vs. Advisor: The Critical Distinction
“If there is a misunderstanding between being an advisor and a governor, therefore by default you set the child up to be the boss, that is not going to end well.”
“If there is a misunderstanding between being an advisor and a governor, therefore by default you set the child up to be the boss, that is not going to end well.”
“What would you like for breakfast? That's the advisor. In fact, I would say that's the butler.”
“An advisor is not making any decisions. The advisor is there trying to steer the governor towards a solid decision.”
Host
Kim John Payne
person
Governor
other
Advisor
other
Gardener
other
Simplicity Parenting Discipline and Guidance Care Professionals Training
other
Guide
other
The Soul of Discipline
book
Nora Heldago
person
Butler
other
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