How to Stop Dysregulaton Before it Stops You – EJ and Tarah Kerwin

In this powerful episode of The Save the Marriage Podcast, Dr. Lee Bauckham sits down with EJ and Tara Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation and hosts of the Relationship Renovation podcast. The couple shares their deeply personal journey—from a passionate marriage built on professional expertise and love, to a devastating breakdown during the birth of their twins and the overwhelming stress of parenting with colic. Their story becomes the foundation for their work: helping couples recognize and regulate emotional dysregulation before it destroys relationships. They explain that dysregulation—triggered by fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses—is not a character flaw but a natural nervous system reaction, often rooted in past trauma and unmet needs. Through real-life examples like the 'burnt toast' moment, they illustrate how small triggers can activate deep emotional wounds. The core of their approach centers on self-awareness, using tools like body scans, code words for time-outs, and cognitive restructuring to pause, reflect, and repair. They emphasize that emotional regulation isn't about suppressing feelings but about understanding them, taking personal accountability, and rebuilding connection through curiosity and compassion. The episode concludes with a strong message: resilience isn't returned after hardship—it’s built through it—and relationships thrive not when they’re perfect, but when both partners commit to growth, even when it’s hard. Key takeaways include: 1) Dysregulation is a normal nervous system response, not a personal failure; 2) Use physical cues (like flushed face or a 'bowling ball' sensation) to recognize your own dysregulation; 3) Develop a personal code word for time-outs to prevent reactive escalation; 4) Replace assumptions with facts and explore your own emotional triggers; 5) Curiosity is the gateway to empathy and repair; 6) Emotional regulation is a skill, not a trait—learnable with practice; 7) Systemic change requires both partners to take responsibility; 8) The most powerful relationships are built not in ease, but through intentional, repeated repair after rupture.