Loving My Distanced Adult Child (w/Renaut van der Riet) Ep. 292
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In this deeply personal episode of The Forgotten Podcast, host Jamie Cabe sits down with Renaud van der Riet, lead pastor of Mosaic Church in Orlando and adoptive father of four children from Ethiopia, to discuss the painful reality of adult children rejecting their parents after adoption. Renaud shares the emotional journey of being cut off by two of his adopted daughters, who have developed a narrative that their parents were toxic and abusive—despite the family's deep love, faith, and commitment. The episode explores the complex dynamics of attachment, cultural narratives, and the biblical concept of the prodigal son, reframed not as rebellion but as a child demanding inheritance without wanting the parent. Renaud reveals how he and his wife, Brooke, have navigated this painful season by embracing a 'prodigal paradigm'—choosing not to pursue their daughters transactionally, while still keeping the 'porch light on' in their hearts. They’ve prioritized the emotional well-being of their six other children at home, honored the boundaries of their two adopted sons who remain connected to their sisters, and trusted God through the uncertainty. The conversation offers practical, biblically grounded wisdom for foster and adoptive parents facing similar struggles, emphasizing grace, honesty, and the long-term hope of restoration.
Rejection by an adult adopted child is not a failure of parenting but a complex emotional and cultural reality that requires deep discernment.
The 'prodigal paradigm' reframes the story: children may want your inheritance (provision) but not you (relationship), which is a form of spiritual and emotional distance.
Parents should not pursue their child through transactional means (e.g., sending money, gifts) if the relationship is not reciprocal—this affirms a false narrative.
Keep the 'porch light on'—regularly check your heart to ensure you’re not growing in bitterness, and remain open to reconciliation when the child shows genuine awakening.
Set clear, non-negotiable protocols for reconciliation (e.g., therapy, accountability) to prevent repeating destructive cycles.
…and 2 more takeaways available in PodZeus
The Hidden Pain of Adoptive Parenting: When Adult Children Reject You
“If you met them and they talked to you and told you about the horrors of our home, you would be deeply concerned about my wife and I.”
The Prodigal Paradigm: A New Lens for Rejection
“The prodigal essence is the child saying to the father, I want my inheritance now. I want what's owed me, what's mine, what's coming to me in the future.”
Navigating the Emotional Fallout: Grief, Guilt, and Identity
Renaud opens up about the internal conflict of feeling both anger and guilt—angry that his children call him toxic, yet guilty because he knows he’s not perfect. He shares how he and his wife are learning to grieve without losing hope.
The Cultural Shift: How Narratives Are Shaped by a Toxic-Parent Culture
Renaud discusses how modern culture amplifies ordinary parenting struggles into narratives of abuse, especially for adoptive and foster families. He notes that even biological children are now experiencing this phenomenon.
Practical Steps: When to Cut Off Transactions and When to Keep the Porch Light On
“I'm not rejecting my daughter by progressively removing the transactional pieces of this puzzle. I'm actually doing this out of love.”
“Dangerous chapter, safe story. Dangerous chapter, safe story.”
“If you met them and they talked to you and told you about the horrors of our home, you would be deeply concerned about my wife and I.”
“When my kids have whatever narrative they have and that narrative cracks and they go, maybe. I don't even need them to say it's not true. Just maybe it's not true.”
Host
Guest
God
other
Renaud van der Riet
person
The Prodigal Son
other
Jamie Cabe
person
Brooke van der Riet
person
Jesus
other
The Forgotten Podcast
media
Mosaic Church
organization
Filled Conference
other
TBRI
other
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