575 - I’ll Never Be Their First Priority: Listener Q&A

In this episode of Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships, hosts Jace, Emily, and Dedeker respond to a listener question from 'Wistful in Washington,' who struggles with feeling like a secret in a long-term relationship with a partner who is closeted due to family, work, and societal pressures. The partner is engaged to be married, and despite knowing the boundaries upfront—such as no public affection, no introduction to family or friends, and a requirement of polyfidelity—the listener feels emotionally drained, powerless, and consistently de-prioritized. The hosts explore the emotional toll of perpetual secrecy, the psychological impact of rigid relationship structures, and the importance of personal agency and emotional sustainability. They emphasize that while understanding the partner’s constraints is valid, it doesn’t excuse the pain of being a 'secret' in a relationship where one feels no real power or emotional priority. The discussion centers on the critical cost-benefit analysis of relationships: even if you agreed to the terms initially, your current feelings matter most. The hosts validate the listener’s pain, affirm that it’s okay to leave a relationship that causes lasting emotional harm, and challenge the myth that being a 'number one' all the time is necessary—only that you deserve to feel like a priority at least some of the time. They also reflect on their own experiences with outness and relationship dynamics, reinforcing that self-worth and emotional well-being should never be sacrificed for the sake of 'keeping things stable.'