Doree Shafrir On The Out Of Control IVF Train
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In this 2021 episode of Death, Sex & Money, host Anna Sale revisits a powerful conversation with writer and podcaster Doree Shafrir about her journey through infertility and IVF. Shafrir, who had long felt like a 'late bloomer' in her 30s, initially believed she could simply 'do IVF' if she wanted kids—until she discovered the process was far more complex, emotionally exhausting, and financially devastating than she imagined. Over five egg retrievals, three embryo transfers, and two and a half years of podcasting their journey as 'Matt and Dory's Eggcellent Adventure,' Shafrir and her husband faced low sperm count, uterine polyps, genetic abnormalities in embryos, and over $100,000 in debt. Despite the trauma, skepticism, and fear of miscarriage, she eventually became pregnant at age 41 and gave birth to her son Henry. The episode explores the emotional toll of IVF, the pressure to 'stay positive,' the isolation of medicalized parenthood, and the lasting impact of feeling out of control. Yet, Shafrir also reflects on growth—learning to accept what’s beyond her control, redefining success, and finding quiet joy in motherhood, even amid the chaos. Her story is a raw, honest reckoning with the myth of the 'sure thing' in fertility treatment and a testament to resilience in the face of systemic and personal uncertainty.
IVF is not a quick fix—it’s a long, expensive, emotionally draining process that often feels out of your control.
The belief that 'I’ll just do IVF' is a dangerous oversimplification that ignores the physical, financial, and emotional toll.
Grieving the loss of a 'natural' path to parenthood is valid—even when you eventually succeed.
Financial strain from IVF can be crippling, but automated debt payoff strategies and financial coaching can help rebuild stability.
Pessimism during IVF can be protective, not defeatist—protecting yourself from repeated disappointment.
…and 3 more takeaways available in PodZeus
The Weight of Not Knowing: Infertility and the Stories We Don’t Hear
Anna Sale opens the episode by reflecting on the emotional burden of doubt and the lack of nuanced narratives around infertility. She introduces listener Meredith’s letter, which captures the relief of realizing doubt doesn’t mean failure. This sets the stage for a deeper exploration of the emotional and systemic challenges of wanting to have children but needing medical intervention.
Doree Shafrir’s Late Bloomer Journey: From Doubt to Decision
Shafrir shares her personal journey of feeling behind in adulthood—marriage, career, home, and kids—by her mid-30s. She describes the 'life FOMO' that drove her to want children, especially after seeing her sister and nephew. Her shift from ambivalence to desire happened in moments of unexpected maternal connection, but that joy was immediately shadowed by the reality of infertility.
The IVF Train Begins: Diagnosis, Debt, and the Illusion of Control
“I had had, I forget exactly how many, but I had had I think about 15 eggs retrieved. And then at the very end to get one, I just thought, oh my God, what?”
The Emotional Toll: Grief, Isolation, and the Pain of 'Miracle' Stories
“You're always like, okay, great. Great story. And they tell you these stories with this kind of like eager look in their eye of like, oh, well, you know, this will give her hope. But it just made me feel worse actually.”
The Long Road to Pregnancy: Debt, Desperation, and the Final Transfer
“I was really nervous about miscarriage, like obsessively nervous about it. And I was constantly looking up like, what are the statistics for miscarriage at five weeks? What about six weeks? What about for women over 35?”
“It didn’t matter what I did. It was not in my control. Like as long as if I followed my doctor's instructions and kind of did everything within my power, beyond that there was nothing I could do.”
“I had had, I forget exactly how many, but I had had I think about 15 eggs retrieved. And then at the very end to get one, I just thought, oh my God, what?”
“I think ultimately that has been kind of a theme of my... adulthood, my late bloomer-dom has been trying where do I fit in the world? Where am I going to feel stability and how is that going to happen?”
Host
Guest
IVF
other
Doree Shafrir
person
Anna Sale
person
Matt
person
Matt and Dory's Eggcellent Adventure
media
Slate Plus
other
Thanks for Waiting
book
genetic testing
other
Forever 35
media
BuzzFeed
other
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